There are moments in life when we know what should be done but we do not do it for reasons known only to ourselves, reasons understood only to ourselves. This is a kind of pain that goes deeper than the physical. This is the ache of being pulled in two directions, both heavy with meaning.
I know what should be done. It is only logical. The cellulitis has not cleared. I am on my last day of antibiotics. The swelling is still there. My shin is still red. It is getting better, but the infection is not gone. I should get it checked by specialist if it gets worse. That is the gentle advice by a good friend, a doctor I trust. It is sound advice. It is the right move.
But there is Ben.
No one can convince me he is just a dog. He is my companion, my quiet comfort, my steady presence in a life that has already lost too much. I cannot leave him alone – not for a night, definitely not for days. There is no one to feed him, walk him, and keep him company. There is no one to assure him I will be back. I cannot explain hospital to him. I know him. He will just wait at the door, ears alert, heart eager, catching every sound and movement to see if it is me returning home.
This is where I am. I carry the weight of needing care and needing to give care. I know what should be done for me, but what needs to be done for Ben is taking the priority. To some people, this is stupid. This is not to say Ben is more important than I am. I am just saying, there is no one to take care of Ben. There are many ways I can be taken care of.
In this tension, I pray for wisdom. I need to be not stupid. I pray for healing. I pray for God to heal my cellulitis and keep me healthy, so I do not have to spend days in the hospital.
If it is a choice between spending my last few days at home with Ben and spending days away from Ben, I choose the former. When that happens, someone HAS to come over and then they HAVE to find a way to take care of Ben.
Far be it for me to impose on anyone while I am alive. Ben is my burden to carry. My own cross to bear, if you will.
I will finish my antibiotics today. I will go to see the doctor either today or tomorrow.
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