The Sting of Dismissal

This is a part of the Still Standing series.

We live in a “fix-it” culture. When people see you hurting, their first instinct is to offer a solution. They say things like, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “At least she isn’t suffering anymore.”

While these words are usually well-intended, they feel like a dismissal. They are conversation-stoppers designed to make the other person feel more comfortable. When our pain is dismissed, we learn to hide it. We stop talking about the person we lost, and we start displaying a strength we don’t actually feel.

Acknowledge Without Encouraging

There is a massive difference between acknowledging pain and encouraging a spiral.

Acknowledging pain means naming it. It sounds like saying, “This is a heavy day,” or “I really miss her voice this morning.” By naming the grief, you take away its power to lurk in the shadows. You give yourself permission to feel the weight without the pressure to lift it immediately.

You don’t have to throw a “pity party” to be honest. You just have to stop lying to yourself. I’ve found that on the days I tell Ben (and God) exactly how much I’m hurting, the weight actually feels more manageable.

Presence Over Platitudes

When I was a passionate leader in the church, I thought I had to have the answers. Now, I realize that the most “Christ-like” thing we can do for ourselves and others is simply to be present.

Christ didn’t tell Mary and Martha to “look on the bright side” when Lazarus died. He wept with them. He acknowledged their reality before He changed it.

If you are grieving, you don’t need a sermon. You don’t need anyone to keep on cheering you up. You need the dignity of your struggle to be recognized.

Finding the Bridge

Acknowledging the pain is the bridge to healing. If you ignore the hole in your heart, you will eventually fall into it. But if you look at it, measure it, and acknowledge its depth, you can learn to walk around it – and eventually, build a life that incorporates it.

Today, don’t try to find a reason for your pain. Just acknowledge that it is there. That is enough.

Think about this. What is one honest sentence about your grief that you’ve been afraid to say out loud? Say it now – to the room, to your dog, or to God. How does it feel to let it be true?

On Tuesday, we look at the significance of taking baby steps.